Updated: Jan 25
One of the central tenets of the work I do with my clients is “safe the whole time.”
For me, safety isn’t a space where there is no fear or uncomfortable emotion, it’s a space where all emotional experiences are within your range and capacity.
If you are my client, you are MY client for a reason. Because I am the one who has what you are craving—the thing you actually need from me is safety.
You are already capable of moving beyond your comfort zone, facing fear, anxiety, busting down walls and limits. You don’t need me to help you do that.
You need me for the times when you can’t seem to force yourself any more beyond those limits. For when you’re telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel this afraid, you should be able to just do the thing.
For the times when you just… can’t.
You need good reasons and good systems for staying in what feels safe to you and not moving beyond it.
You need effective boundaries and forms of self-advocacy that do not create more work for you later, in the form of emotional clean-up, justification, or managing reactivity from others.
You need approval and permission for the tender parts of you that want to go slower, take a break, or change course entirely.
You need someone who listens to you, deeply, about what feels sacred, about what allows you to open. You need reflection and validation that you deserve to claim exactly the level of sacredness and openness that you desire. You need to be gently reminded as many times as you need that even your whims are important and worthy of nurturing.
You need someone who can add a new voice to your head, one that is kind and gentle and understanding of you. One that believes and knows you can be imperfect and still not be doing anything wrong.
You need someone to show you what it feels like to be safe the whole time. That achievement and productivity and growth are available to you at all times, not just when you’re redlining.
You need to understand the genius in your hesitation, your accommodation of “irrational” fears, your self-protection and preservation.
You need help to sort out what is and is not a threat, and in the meantime you need approval and concrete strategies to eliminate anything that you experience as a threat, whether that is “reasonable” or not. You do not need to make other people, situations, or events wrong for how they are, you can simply choose to hold a more pristine container for yourself and not engage.
Like the island in Pirates of the Caribbean that can only be found by those who already know where it is, you need to know safety in order to create it for yourself.
You get to feel safe the whole time.