This is the busiest weekend I've had in two years.
Busy receiving and having.
I can really feel the stretch.
If you're like me and would say you need challenge to thrive, allow me to recommend the challenge of all things going right in your life. It's not for the weak.
I used to pride myself on getting through hard situations. Processing conflict, sticking with it when things got ugly, doing the "hard work" that relationships take.
I'm still proud of navigating those things, but now I get to be proud of having moved beyond them to the challenge of having it all.
Everything I have ever wanted.
A better-every-day partnership with an incredible man.
A city home with sunshine and heat.
A cozy retreat property with a view of the river, space for the whole family.
A brand new SUV to stay above the city fray, with space for all the friends and all the camping stuff and all the furniture I want to bring home.
I used to put effort toward loving my partners and showing respect. I don't regret it, many of them were wonderful men who taught me so much and I sure as hell learned from the ones who weren't so wonderful. But I ended all those relationships, wonderful included, because I believed that there could be a better fit for me. Now I know I was right.
I lived my whole life in Vermont and loved it so much, but knew I wanted more. I used to dream of being bicostal, having a sunny home and a forest home. This weekend I saw six properties in Washington state, and now that dream is one offer away.
When I moved to Vegas I was annoyed with my Prius and traded it for a little 6-speed Chevy hatchback. I negotiated a sick deal, improved my driving experience, but felt overwhelmed in a small car with the traffic here. I'm selling it for a lot more than I paid for it (crazy market conditions, eh folks?) and my partner helped me buy an Audi with third row seating. It has tons of power and space and I feel SAFE driving it.
My partner and I have been weaving around each other, or as he puts it, "making the most of being two people." My scouting mission for our property in Washington, which I did solo because he's busy with those crazy market conditions. His flight to California this morning to pick up the car, timing it just so, to pick me up at the airport so I could drive my new car home.
Our relationship is the source of so much of what I'm grateful for in life right now. I feel comfortable and safe every day. There is no unkindness, trigger, or unsafety of any kind, EVER. Nothing to process, no effort to undertake, just continual connection between two separate, sovereign people, together because that's how we want it to be. I am free to be who I am and express my emotions. I can truly count on his loving, understanding presence, and I feel it no matter how far apart we are or how long we go without speaking.
I'm no longer challenged to get what I want. I'm challenged by receiving everything I want. I'm challenged to know what I want and watch it come for me, to be a person who has something. Having is the precursor to loss. I have lost so much, it's terrifying to have so much.
That fear, coupled with the idea that having feels good and easy, is what I see now was playing out when I needed to try to get instead of actually receiving. Trying to get something protected me from actually having it, from the dissonance between how it feels and how I thought it would feel, from the terror of having so much to lose.
It is a privilege to receive all I'm receiving. I am so grateful and in awe.
And I cry myself to sleep some nights. Cry in the back of my real estate agent's car. Cry into my lover's chest, sometimes blurring the line between laughing and crying because I don't know how to separate all these feelings from each other, and I've discovered I don't really care to do so.
Once upon a time, that emotion would have come out sideways and created conflict in my life, returning me to the safe place where I had a familiar challenge.
Now I can proudly say that the hardest part of my life is letting it be easy.
I'm up for it.