How to Develop Self-Trust

The most healing part of my coaching is the way I convey to my clients, over and over and over again, “I trust you.”


I trust you in this situation.

I trust you to nourish yourself.

I trust you with these feelings.

I trust the choices you’re making for yourself.


My coaching is not about overcoming anything. Not about changing, or escaping, or transcending anything. Not about ending bad feelings or making better choices.


My coaching is about understanding, which produces self-trust. As my client, you come to understand yourself, not just what is happening or why it’s happening, but how you’re choosing what’s happening and what makes it a good choice FOR YOU. How this choice is the definition of success, given your beliefs.


You understand that you’re not only the choice-maker, but that you’re choosing something that is within your best interest *according to your own value systems and beliefs.*


This understanding is what produces any changes that happen.


Here’s how it works:

If my value system and beliefs say that this is a good choice, but I’m suffering in this choice, it becomes crystal clear where an update or reframe of my value systems and beliefs is something *I desire.*


Pursuing change, enforcing change, in myself or another person, is a doomed prospect. It is ALWAYS a message that “something is wrong here.” That message, combined with personal empowerment, produces blame—“I chose something wrong for me.” I subconsciously avoid personal responsibility which results in self-blame.


In order to embrace personal responsibility, to FULLY integrate it, I need to understand the benefits of my current choices. This builds the belief in myself that I do things that make sense according to my interests. That’s what it means to trust myself.


When I trust myself, any interests I change are being changed by someone I trust. If I don’t build self-trust first, then someone I don’t trust is trying to change my life. It doesn’t matter that that person is me—it matters that it’s someone I don’t trust. That’s what’s unsustainable. I rebel because the authority can’t be trusted.


(It’s a really smart thing to do! What a genius, self-sustaining move, to rebel against something untrustworthy!)


Developing self-trust in this way is something anyone can do for themselves. It's something that a lot of coaches actually *interfere with.*


My clients choose to work with me, not because I'm necessary, but because they choose to have an easy, loving, supportive experience of this. Investing in the coaching container is the first act of self-trust, and then the container continues to reinforce self-trust in every fractal.


I trust you to reschedule.

I trust you to text me when you want support.

I trust your pushback if I say something that seems like bullshit.

I trust you when you ignore my assignments, advice, and ideas for how it might look for you.


This is super powerful, because it shifts the anticipation of criticism and judgement within your body. Back and back and back until you anticipate approval and acceptance.


Self-trust is not "out there," in the future when you're making "better choices." It's always available in your story about the past, and in your self-talk about the present. It's always only here and now.


I trust you to reach out if this feels right for you. I trust that we'll start right on time.

8 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

This relationship has been two years of nonstop travel. It's incredible, luxurious, an absolute privilege, and at times overwhelming. I have learned so much about myself and what luxury means to me, b

I've gotten this question enough now that I want to make a post about it. The question is one of my sources, what girds my understanding of relationships and the way things are. Here is a limited list

I wonder if I'll ever stop finding nuanced gifts in the primary wound of death, loss, and grief. Reflecting on losing my parents early, I have to say it's one of the gentlest and most forgiving paths